Superman… Er, Star Trek Returns

• February
• 7

3:04 am Movies

I know, I haven’t written in quite some time. I keep meaning to, I really do.

Anyway, just finished watching the latest trailer for the upcoming Star Trek movie. I’ve talked it over with some other Star Trek fans and we agree: the trailer certainly doesn’t give off the “Trek” vibe. Why not? Let’s see here…

The trailer opens with a… 14 or 15 year old Kirk apparently having stolen a car. Does anyone remember “A Piece of the Action” where Kirk clearly couldn’t drive? Yet, here he is, zooming along. Even if this one is automatic and the one from the episode was manual, Kirk clearly wasn’t familiar with car mechanics when he got in the vehicle on the show. Guess he must’ve pushed this little joyride out of his mind to make room for more important things. But where did he get what looks like it’d be a 100-200 year old vehicle (by his time)?

Iowa plate. Must be from a neighbor or something. Okay. The whole chase scene evokes images of Smallville and Superman for me. Iowa. Kansas. Same thing, right? Then we get to see an older Kirk on a motorcycle of some sort as he wanders the country? Admittedly, these are quick shots, so it’s hard to tell what’s going on. After Kirk, we get to see young Spock.

Is this Spock and T’Pring? I honestly can’t say I’d be surprised to find out that this is, in fact, a secret love interest of Spock’s. In that case, I’d have no idea who it is. It certainly can’t be his mother.

Then we get a nice shot of Superman Spock in his Fortress of Solitude with the Vulcan High Council? At least, I’m guessing it’s the High Council. It could be the local 3D-chess championship or something. But doesn’t it look like the inside of the Fortress of Solitude? Moving on…

More shots of things. Spock being transported, crew in a shuttlebay, Kirk and Spock standing together on the bridge, space, phaser dogfights in a shuttlecraft…

Now we get to see a slightly better shot of the newly updated bridge. In the first place, it’s waaaay too technical and updated to be TOS. Sigh. Why does everything have to be that bright and shiny and curvy?

Alright, fine, they updated it for a new generation. I can handle that. Really. I can. But… Why does the helm console look like they’re flying two office desks? Couple of fancy desk lamps, pen holders and an ashtray. That’s what it looks like. This scene would be more suited to paperwork than space battles.

After a few more shots of random things, we get to see…

Is this a Romulan? Pointed ear, what looks like green blood on his cheek. Please no. We aren’t supposed to see what Romulans look like until “Balance of Terror”. Sigh. Please no.

Spock then gets mad and opens a can of whoop-ass on someone. Possibly Kirk. …With a wrench or something. What? Vulcans don’t randomly beat on people. Especially not their commanding officers. No, Spock, no! Stay good! You’d better have a logical explaination for this!

But it’s okay, because Superman is flying in to save the day! Wait! What?

We’re treated to a couple quick shots of what looks to be people flying around. They would seem to be doing some sort of orbital skydiving. I guess. For some reason. Right. Transporters, people, TRANSPORTERS.

We’re treated to more random shots of stuff (exploding), and then…

Spock! I told you to knock it off! Sheesh. Vulcans. Why, Spock, why?

I notice that in this shot, Spock has his insignia on his left side, which is the wrong side. Mirror Spock? Or just a costuming error? In the earlier shot above, where he’s beating on someone, the emblem is on the right side, which is correct. Are there two different scenes in the same movie where Spock goes nuts and tries to kill someone on the Enterprise’s bridge? Is one a Mirror Spock and the other isn’t?

More action shots, the USS Kelvin seems to get blown up - or is about to be - and the trailer blissfully draws to a close.

I would love it if this movie were great. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be that way. We’ll see, I suppose.